The Sex Genie

It was late in the afternoon and I was hard at work helping my elderly neighbor load her things into the back of her truck. Her husband had recently passed away and she decided to move out of state to live closer with her adult children. She and her husband had owned a small antique shop together, so lifting the boxes out of her garage was no small order.

"Thank you again for all your help," she said as I loaded the last box. "It's very kind of you."

I tried my best not to sound tired. "Oh...don't mention it Ms. Patterson. You're a nice lady and it's the least I could do for you. Besides, my mother would kick my butt if I didn't help. She's always been a huge supporter of yours."

She smiled, "And I have always been very fond of her as well. She's such a lovely woman and she has also brought a lot of business my way over the years for my Tarot Card readings."

"Oh right. She loves those things. Don't tell her I told you, but she and her friends always get together and have fun talking about it whenever they get new predictions from you."

"I'm glad," she happily replied. "You're not much of a believer in that are you? You don't seem like one."

"Well...not really to be honest. A lot of this kind of stuff out there seems like a scam. I'm not saying you are, but in general. But for what it's worth, my mother and her friends swear by your annual fortune telling. They love discussing its meaning and how accurate all your previous predictions were."

She shrugged, "Your skepticism is certainly understandable. You've always been a smart young man. That's what I like about you. And just between you and me, my cards always tell the truth. They're special, just like a lot of things in the back of that truck."

"Really?" I replied.

"Yes, really. You're giving me that skeptical look again which I've seen countless times in the decades I've been in this business, but it's the truth. My husband and I are modest people and have never tried to make a big fuss for the sake of showing off. We've always held the belief that owning these things are an honor, and a means to make a small income. But now that he's gone and I'm getting older, maybe it's time to start passing them along to people who truly deserve these gifts. You and your mother seem like ideal candidates for something special."

"So you're going to give us one of your special items?"

She nodded, "Anything you want. Pick one thing you like out of this box and it's yours."

Ms. Patterson opened the top of a large white box to reveal an assortment of old looking items. I literally had no idea what most of them were at first glance.

"Thanks for the offer," I replied. "But I wouldn't feel right taking anything so valuable to you for free. If it's alright with you, I'd like to pay full price. I'm sure my mother would love one of those things as a souvenir to remember you by."

"Like I said, I'm a modest woman, and I don't need anymore money. Pick anything you'd like and it's yours as a special gift."

I kept looking inside the box. "Hmmm...I don't know where to start. They all look the same to me."

She then reached inside of a different box nearby and picked up her signature Tarot Cards and split them in half.

"Maybe this will help," she said. "Take the top card and flip it over."

I did as she asked and flipped the top card over. It was a picture of a knight in shining armor.

"What does it mean?" I asked.

"It's the Knight of Cups," she replied. "He represents love and the romantic nature. It means that you're a romantic and that you're quite popular with members of the opposite sex. Not surprising since you're so handsome and charming."

"Thanks. I can't complain. I do pretty well in that department."

"Maybe you do, but not your mother. Is she still working around the clock? I told her she would find fulfillment in her love life by the end of the year, and it hasn't happened yet. She's anxious about that and she obviously feels very lonely."

"You're right," I replied in agreement. "She works non-stop and she's often too busy to date. And if she does date, her standards are ridiculously high. I can't say I blame her since she's a really beautiful and smart woman. If I were her, I guess I'd be picky too."

Ms. Patterson nodded and rummaged around her all important white box and pulled out a small and dirty looking gold lamp.

She stared at it and replied, "Take this. I've kept it on the shelf for over twenty years waiting for the right person to give it to. When you're alone, rub the side of this lamp until smoke starts coming out. Don't be afraid. This should solve all of your mother's problems. You'll see..."